The Horrible Task of Finding Cas
by PopRocks42
Summary: Sam's diary, in which Sam is perceptive and secretly a hippie, Dean is emotionally constipated and worried about Cas and Cas is missing.


Day 1

4:05 am – Dean just threw water at me and told me to "Get the Hell out of bed you lazy ass, we've got to find Cas. By the way you smell like moldy cheese." It's 4:05 in the morning. Who gets up at this time? I don't. Dean never does, says it's a goddam awful hour to get up at. Then why are we up? Oh yeah. Cas. Just goes to show, you do crazy things for love.

4: 26 am – Cleaned up, and I do **not** smell like moldy cheese.

4:57 am – The only place open for breakfast was a roadside taco stand. We got some stuff from there. I think the old wrinkly guy in it with a missing tooth winked at me.

I think my taco meat just moved.

5: 02 am – Yep, my taco meat moved. It is alive. HOLY CRAPCAKES IT BIT ME!

5: 03 am – There was a cockroach in it. I threw it out the window. Now Dean's complaining about how I waste food, and how I shouldn't be so picky.

IT'S NOT FOOD IF IT'S ALIVE!

6: 32 am – Just listened to Dean sing Eye of the Tiger fourteen times on repeat. My ears are bleeding. JESUS! He's doing it again! I need to get out of here!

6:46 am – I tried opening the door and jumping out of the car. Dean wouldn't let me. He made us stop and talk about how I have a death wish and need to get my head out of my ass and need to focus on finding Cas, because he's probably lost and lonely all on his own. I think Dean forgets that Castiel has been alive for billions of year and has already been human before.

He just started singing Eye of the Tiger again.

Kill me. Kill me now.

9: 22 am – So tired. Dean left. I think he went to get pie. Why did we have to get up so early? He didn't even give me time to go on my morning run. Ugh. I hope he gets my salad.

9: 24 am – I just found out why I smell like moldy cheese. No you can't know. It's personal. Don't worry, it's been taken care of.

9: 26 am – What is taking him so long?

9: 28 am – He's still not back. If he doesn't get back in the next three minutes I'll go after him.

11:10 am – I just saved Dean from three ex-angels who blamed him for their whole fall from heaven thing. For warriors of God they're pretty weak without their powers. And flabby. My hand got stuck in the gut of one of them.

It was embarrassingly easy to defeat them. Which just made the fact that Dean had gotten captured by them and tied to a chair even better. Yes, I am smug.

Apparently when Dean went in he saw one of the fallen angels, went up to her and, get this said, "Hey, my name's Dean. And let me just ask, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" He's an idiot sometimes.

3: 00 pm – This is the longest Dean's ever gone giving me the silent treatment. I think he's embarrassed. It's … kind of hilarious. He keeps on pouting. Because he's not manly. How does pouting make him more manly?

5:00 pm – We just pulled up at a place called Bates Motel. This does not bode well.

Day 2

12:01 am – I haven't slept at all. How can I? Some crazy guy is going to kill us. I mean come on, this is BATES MOTEL! Dean and I saw Psycho together! He was even making references to it during dinner! We are going to die.

2: 00 am – I still maintain we are going to die.

6: 00 am – Ok. So I admit that I may be a little wrong about the whole dying thing. Dean's gone out to go find more stuff about Cas. Apparently this is where Metatron left him when he literally threw him out of heaven.

7:00 am – I think I heard something.

7: 01 am – Just a squirrel. Alright, I'm paranoid…and tired. I'm sleeping.

12:00 am – YES! I was right. I am now happy. I just got attacked by a serial killer! He just creeped out from nowhere. I barely was able to save myself, but I decapitated him. Now the carpet's stained. Wouldn't want to be the one who cleans those carpets. But the point is this guy with a machete came and attacked me while I was sleeping. Worst wake-up call ever. Worse than the water yesterday. I'm getting off track. I was right. This is why you never stay in a place called Bates Motel. Seriously, hunters advice, don't do it.

12:36 pm – Dean's back. I told him everything. He's giving me the stink eye. He's just upset that I got to be a part of the real version of Psycho and he didn't.

4: 00 pm – I'm getting the silent treatment again. Whatever. He's just upset that no one knew where his boyfriend is. Personally I think he's sitting at a burger joint somewhere with a slice of pie, waiting for Dean to show up.

Day 4

11: 46 am – Still no sign of Cas.

3: 03 pm – Just drove by a billboard that had a picture of Cas on it. I think Crowley did it just to mess with us. I think Deans crying his one perfect tear. You know, that _one tear_, I have no idea how he does it.

He's so emotionally constipated, he's denying that he was crying. I mean, seriously? I can see him crying right now. Oh. Nope. Bawling. He's bawling all because of a stupid sign. Stupid Crowey. _I will kill him._

Day 7

8:04 am – I haven't killed Crowley. But I haven't really had a chance too. We've got a new lead for where Cas might be. Dean and I were walking yesterday when we saw a bakery that was covered with yellow tape. Naturally we went up to it and pretended to be FBI agents and asked the owner what had happened. She told us that a man with a trench coat and no social skills stole all the pies from her shop then went away with all of them in a shopping cart muttering about heaven and angels.

With that description we were pretty sure she was talking about Cas. Dean was so happy he didn't even comment on my "Rabbit food". Anyways right now we're following a trail of pie crumbs. How the police missed it I have no idea.

This is just like Hansel and Gretel. Only neither Dean nor I are girls (though Dean is obviously compensating for something) and Cas isn't a witch, and none of us are German and…yeah. I don't know how to make references properly. Whatever. I can still outrun Dean. So ha.

1:20 pm – The trail ended. Now we're just outside of some very scary looking woods. Turns out my whole Hansel and Gretel analogy was right. I wish I had said it earlier. Though Dean probably wouldn't have gotten it…

6:30 pm – We have been walking in the woods for five hours. I need to pee.

6:31 pm – Dean told me to use a bush. Now I'm giving him the silent treatment.

6: 35 pm – I suck at silent treatment.

Dean won't talk to me about his feelings for Cas. I think it would be therapeutic for him to talk about it. Then maybe he would finally understand that he is in _wuv _with Cas.

10:45 pm – While we were walking around in the forest and this group of vampires appeared out of nowhere. They started circling us so of course Dean and I took out our shotguns like the good little hunters we are. (And I may or may not have peed my pants. Not my fault. I told Dean I needed to pee, he just didn't listen to me.) We got ready to shot them and then their leader came up and put his hand up. He was swaying a bit and he just grinned at us and said "Whoa. Guys. Enough with the guns and the _violence_ man. We don't want any trouble. You hear me? We're peaceful and- _hiccup_- and we just wanna say…..hi."

It finally happened. We finally met hippie vampires. It. Was. Awesome. Dean and I had a bet about it, he owes me ten bucks. Just goes to show, anyone can become a hippie.

No one is immune to the hippie powers! Hippies will conquer the world! HIPPIES WILL RULE THE WOR-

Sorry about that. Don't know where that came from. It's not like I'm a hippie or anything…nope. Not me. Stop judging me!

Anyways, they took us back to their base and started filling us in on everything. Apparently they had found Cas just yesterday too. He had been wandering around the forest with a shopping cart full of pies and had just stumbled on their base. So naturally they gave him directions. Where to you ask?

Directions to the closest burger joint.

I. Win.

Day 8

10:03 am – Dean and I have been sitting at the diner for three hours. I've gone through four coffees and Dean hasn't eaten anything (I hear being in love makes you lose your appetite, even though he'll never admit it) Cas hasn't shown up.

And in other news Dean still won't talk about his feelings. Shocker there.

11: 06 am – Dean asked the one of the waiters and apparently Cas had been there last night at around nine. Then one of the patrons recognized him from the description of the "PIE-ous Pie Theif" (No, seriously, that's what they're calling him. Something to do with eh media thinking he did it for some bizarre Christian occult ritual. And unless Cas worships Dean…oh wait. He does.) The patron called the police and they came and picked Cas up and threw him in jail (and confiscated all the pie)

12:05 pm – Just arrived at the jail. Dean's arguing with an officer. He really should just let me do the talking. His lovey dovey feelings are clouding his judgment. And his judgment doesn't need any more clouding.

12:10 pm – I intervened. Apparently Cas broke out, stole his shopping cart out of evidence and then went a re-stole all of the pies. Now that, that's love. My brother's lucky to have him. Not many people would break out of jail and steal pie for people.

2: 15 – Dean and I (after a lot of arguing) agreed to head back the the Man of letters base and rest for a little while, call up some contacts, break into some surveillance cameras and then head out to look for Cas again.

5:00 pm – Dean's throwing a fit. I think he's just upset that we got so close to finding Cas and then…didn't. He'll get over it. Probably.

Day 9

All Time of Today – Dean needs serious therapy.

Day 10

Look at Day 9.

Day 10

11: 45 am - Dean found my diary while I was in the bathroom. He has no respect for privacy. And yes I am manly enough to admit that it's a diary. He said he doesn't wuv Cas and that I'm stupid.

Yeah?

Well he's stupid.

Day 12

9:00 am - Just arrived home to see Cas surrounded by piles of pie. Dean and he did the sappy romantic run into each other's arms. I snuck out the back door. I hope they don't do anything on the kitchen table. I eat off of that thing.


End file.
